So it has been a while, four months now I believe, since my last post. A lot happened in those four months; I stopped working due burn-out and mild depression issues and I stopped pursuing my career as an artist.
This was hard to accept, I kept on comparing myself with others who have jobs, families, hobbies and so on; ‘why can’t I have a day job and at the same time have my own dream business, why this, why that’. It felt like I failed. Well it seems I am not them and although I love painting and creating, making a living from it, doesn’t work for me and I certainly did not enjoy making art a business. So I deleted my Saatchi art shop, updated the pages of my blog and ceased my business, notifying the chamber of commerce.
Now I am recovering, taking a day, a moment at the time. Once I fully accepted myself, my limits and my abilities, everything falls in place and I am being more nice to myself. My sisters are so kind to me after my second period of illness in a relativly short time, first fall out was in 2011-2013, they support me in my health and tell me to stay true to myself. They just want the best for me, as for my closest friend they too have been kind.
It is not clear yet what I will do or what kind of job fits me. In the following months I will team up with a coach to find my life path again after this detour which was valuable and informative. It was due to my last job at the customer care center where I also trained new colleagues, that I discovered that I love and enjoy teaching people, and as a bonus it seems I am good at it! So who knows what the future might bring.
I still paint full of joy, whenever my energy level allows it, there is no more “I have to, I must”. Just doing what I love, my hobby and passion: creating.
This is my latest work, finished yesterday: Summerwine. Acrylic on paper, 70x50cm.
Dear followers and readers,
Due (mental) health issues I am obliged to postpone my open house set for 23rd of April. ‘Everything comes at the right time’ is used for positive life-events, for keeping up hope and to be persistent but I believe it is also applicable for problems or issues.
The old familiar cause-effect. I am suffering health issues since september last year and I have been trying to cope with them ever since. Holidays, colouring mandala’s, focus on painting, all was like putting a plaster on an open wound. In January after deciding to go for my career as an artist and resign my fulltime job as a customer care service employee I finally could breath and see the end of the tunnel. But instead of stopping on the 4th of March as agreed, I decided to stay longer when my employer asked me to. The main reason was to finance the exhibition “Arte Donna” in Florence in March.
Since then it all went down wards. Exhaustion, not knowing where to be on which department and crying for no reason at work made be call sick since two weeks. Now I am thinking it all over and came to conclusion that I have been to hard for myself. I kept on comparing myself with others who have a fulltime job combined with their work as an artist, forgetting my own limits and health. At my day job, which was under my working level, I wanted to be the best and prove myself that I could do more. This urge to proof is an old familiar friend of mine, whose visible and invisible tentacles are clinging on my thoughts and mind since I was a young girl. Working at a housing association where most of the renters are from the social lower class with their own social and financial problems, I was exposed to a lot of negativity and aggression on a daily basis. As a result I only was getting negative energy but wasn’t able to get that in balance with positieve energy. I tried to paint to get that positive energy but often couldn’t because of exhaustion. For a long time I thought that I should have painted more, which as an effect made me feel bad about myself as an artist.
For eight months fighting a rather unfair battle against myself trying to cope with these four main factors, finally my body and mind said “Time-Out”. Only wise thing to do now is to rest, rebuild and reenergize and learn. Learning about myself and my capacity and even more, my limits.