Tagged mindfulness

Detour

So it has been a while, four months now I believe, since my last post. A lot happened in those four months; I stopped working due burn-out and mild depression issues and I stopped pursuing my career as an artist.

This was hard to accept, I kept on comparing myself with others who have jobs, families, hobbies and so on; ‘why can’t I have a day job and at the same time have my own dream business, why this, why that’. It felt like I failed. Well it seems I am not them and although I love painting and creating, making a living from it, doesn’t work for me and I certainly did not enjoy making art a business. So I deleted my Saatchi art shop, updated the pages of my blog and ceased my business, notifying the chamber of commerce.

Now I am recovering, taking a day, a moment at the time. Once I fully accepted myself, my limits and my abilities, everything falls in place and I am being more nice to myself. My sisters are so kind to me after my second period of illness in a relativly short time, first fall out was in 2011-2013,  they support me in my health and tell me to stay true to myself. They just want the best for me, as for my closest friend they too have been kind.

It is not clear yet what I will do or what kind of job fits me. In the following months I will team up with a coach to find my life path again after this detour which was valuable and informative. It was due to my last job at the customer care center where I also trained new colleagues,  that I discovered that I love and enjoy teaching people, and as a bonus it seems I am good at it! So who knows what the future might bring.

I still paint full of joy, whenever my energy level allows it, there is no more “I have to, I must”. Just doing what I love, my hobby and passion: creating.

This is my latest work, finished yesterday: Summerwine. Acrylic on paper, 70x50cm.

HIgh_on_summerwine_1

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Open house postponed

Dear followers and readers,

Due (mental) health issues I am obliged to postpone my open house set for 23rd of April. ‘Everything comes at the right time’ is used for positive life-events, for keeping up hope and to be persistent but I believe it is also applicable for problems or issues.

The old familiar cause-effect. I am suffering health issues since september last year and I have been trying to cope with them ever since. Holidays, colouring mandala’s, focus on painting, all was like putting a plaster on an open wound. In January after deciding to go for my career as an artist and resign my fulltime job as a customer care service employee I finally could breath and see the end of the tunnel. But instead of stopping on the 4th of March as agreed, I decided to stay longer when my employer asked me to. The main reason was to finance the exhibition “Arte Donna” in Florence in March.

Since then it all went down wards. Exhaustion, not knowing where to be on which department and crying for no reason at work made be call sick since two weeks. Now I am thinking it all over and came to conclusion that I have been to hard for myself. I kept on comparing myself with others who have a fulltime job combined with their work as an artist, forgetting my own limits and health. At my day job, which was under my working level, I wanted to be the best and  prove myself that I could do more. This urge to proof is an old familiar friend of mine, whose visible and invisible tentacles are clinging on my thoughts and mind since I was a young girl. Working at a housing association where most of the renters are from the social lower class with their own social and financial problems, I was exposed to a lot of negativity and aggression on a daily basis. As a result I only was getting negative energy but wasn’t able to get that in balance with positieve energy. I tried to paint to get that positive energy but often couldn’t because of exhaustion. For a long time I thought that I should have painted more, which as an effect made me feel bad about myself as an artist.

For eight months fighting a rather unfair battle against myself trying to cope with these four main factors, finally my body and mind said “Time-Out”. Only wise thing to do now is to rest, rebuild and reenergize and learn. Learning about myself and my capacity and even more, my limits.

Trinity of man
Balance is key. Crayon on paper. 2013.

Starting 2016 with a bold decision 


NYE @TheErasmusbrug Rotterdam.

I hope you all had a wonderful new Year’s Eve, surrounded by your loved ones. My sisters and I danced our way into 2016 after watching the fireworkshow on the Erasmusbrug.

Although 2015 was a productive year for me at my day-job, including several promotions within my departement, I took a very bold decision to quit my well-payed job at the end of February and pursue my life as a artist.

The reason for this radical change is the fact that, the last couple of months I was constantly beat and  exhausted. I had no energy at all and every thing was felt like too much. As a result  I haven’t been that productive as an artist, I even couldn’t see the oppurtunities I did have, all this made me lose contact with my autenthic Self.

After holding several motivationspeeches with myself why I should continue my job and how grateful I should be for having a job, for almost every day in December, it became clear to me that Life already lead me towards my path. I already saw a glimpse of this road from the corner of my eye for almost a year now. Filled with creations, ideas and oppurtunities but I didn’t really listen or dare to look. My fear and anxiety held me back, back from following the path, MY Path in my own time and rhytm.

Finally reality hit me, many sleepless nights have awoken me. There was nowhere else to go, nowhere to hide. It was like my heart made my body and head turn towards my adventures and slightly uncertain road, giving me courage and faith to step towards it, step by step and eventually my mind had no choice but to follow. Looking my fear in the eye made me realize that what I had to lose by not walking on and how much I would gain by stepping on.

I want to spent my time and energy on that what makes me truly happy and to put this positive and creating energy towards that what makes me feel fullfilled as a humanbeing.

After I made my decision and listened to my heart and  intuition, it all became clear to me. Now I feel truly in touch with myself, strong and full with creative energy!  Today I even created my bedroom into spacecious loft like room. As a matter of fact my desk now stands freely in the room, facing my balkonydoor and windows. How is that for broadening my horizons?! The only thing left to do is to buy some secondhand drawers to tidy the space up and to downsize; selling some furniture what only stands in the way and donate some of my clothes to the salvation army to create even more space.

In Spring I will

  • finish my new collection paintings
  • launch my new website
  • have a ‘Open House’ giving people the oppurtunity to meet me and see and buy my work

Offcourse you will be a part of my new but familiar choosen road. I will keep you posted and Thank you all for following me so far.

‘You are the Universe’

This serie of 5 abstract paintings and art objects, are the result of my interest for the laws of nature and their deeper spiritual meaning.

Movement, gravity and the three primary colors are the base.

There are also hidden mindfulness messages to be found by looking inside the paintings Look and Mess. These are inspired by buddhist texts and the common ‘follow your heart’.

Look. Acrylic and mirror paper on 3 D canvas 30*30cm, 2014.

Looking for peace? Look inside your heart.

 

Mess. Acrylic and mirror paper on 3D canvas 30*30cm, 2014.

Whatever mess you will find yourself in, take a look inside and you will find your Innerlight.

 

Let’s Begin! Acrylic on 3D canvas 30*30 cm, 2014.

Let's Begin

 

Life is Beautiful. Acrylic on 3D canvas 50*50cm, 2014.

Life_is_beautiful_1

 

You are the Universe. 2014.

you_are_the_universe_1